Father Dearest

So my older half sister texts me last night to say that it was the 20th anniversary of our father's death. It was kind of an eerie feeling to say the least, I mean I didn't have any memories of the man anyway, because he was never around. This fact alone was the reason why I didn't even know about this particular date. Just when I begin to feel at ease and come to terms with never knowing him, something like this brings about issues that have never been resolved and begins to sit on my aura for a minute. I know I'm a trooper and this too will pass, but I do know his birthday is coming up soon too, so just more to deal with. But what can I do? You can't change the past, so it's better to reflect on it and then move on I suppose.

That being said I decided to repost a poem that I wrote years ago to express some of the feeling I was having about Bio dad:


If the sins of the Father, are revisited on the son,
then there should be no doubt in my mind
that my life is destined to be a chaotic one.

Some may not understand,
and then there will be those that who will surely comprehend
from the extent of my astonishment from of reflection of myself,
not only on the outside but deep within

How can I continue to ignore this feeling of despair -
that comes face to face
In my reflection through the mirror.

A reflection of my life, with a piece missing from the puzzle
of someone not known, but apart of me still
this reflection brings up questions and theories
of my existence, sometimes making me ill

The fact that although I am grown-
up to be the man that I am,
but how could one visualize
a man not known

Sure, a picture here or there I may possess,
but what secrets do these photos hold?
Or should I be grateful from the stories told,
by those that he had known

But who are THEY?
The same ones who claim to know me and my identity?
They being the ones that do not have to go through
the constant avoidance and disillusion of an everyday mirror
because of the knowing and expectation that some days,
at least once, they won't be staring at themselves,
but of something or someone that is apart of you,
but at the same time is not you.

A constant reminder -
of feelings that will never be shared or expressed.
This reflection that I encounter
Is the image and lack of knowledge of an unknown father.

Never mind the true idea that I look and stare into his eyes
every time I glance into the mirror,
But how can one look like the man that indulges my fear.
Frightened by the time lost that can never be retrieved,
By someone , shall I say a stranger whom helped give
me life, my identity, the way I think and breathe.

Looking like the person I have to love because of life,
but despising him at the same time, because he wasn't apart of my life, right?
How could it possibly be, that I can remember the one person I can't see
and thru the mere fact of nature I love, but on nurture I despise?
Being honest with my inner-self we have the same nose, lips, and
even back to the eyes -
Those eyes that look as if they hold a general history or detailed story.
Did they hide the same anguish or a little bit of lost glory?

Now what seems to bother me about this sin:
Is that the mirror is a reflection of the physical appearance we share,
but what of other similar traits that we possess from within?
Could the way I talk or listen be shared?
How about the way I laugh, when something is amusing
Maybe even the same body language when mad, upset, or when something is confusing

The bigger questions have nothing to do with actions or words
but that of future outcomes which to some may be absurd
But what genetic codes and flaws might he have had, plagues that I may pass
to my future sons born into this world whom I will not let be subjected
to the same turmoil that has claimed my consciousness

Although I may make some mistakes along the way
when he looks at his reflection, he won't be confused at what he's seeing
cuz what he sees will be me having his back everyday throughout his life

The mirror won't be a haunting reflection that I've had to carry with the ghost of my past
Maybe there will come a day that all I would ever see is the reflective image
of my own being, the man I've become through the looking glass!

Who Knew???

I'm not sure how many of you have seen this commercial where 4 professional looking women watch as a 5th woman gets off the elevator in her going to a funeral black dress, which happens to have silver buttons up and down her back. Which initiates a playful hand game that I know and used to play, called Miss Mary Mack.

So as with everything I come across that brings up memories of my childhood, I got to thinking about the origin of the song, so my inquiring mind wanted to know. I found this very interesting.

There were variations of the song that said it was a old hymn sung by slave children, but also could have referred to a ship during the Civil War:


Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack (name of the ship)
All dressed in black, black, black (ironclad ships were popular at the time.)
With silver buttons, buttons, buttons (bolts)
All down her back, back, back (ships are referred to as females.)
She asked her mother, mother, mother (the Confederate States of America)
For fifteen cents, cents, cents (the Confederate States Army were going through major money problems)
To see the elephants, elephants, elephants (elephants are the symbol of the Republican party, which was the majority of the North, and the Union)
Jump over the fence, fence, fence (the boundary line)
They never came back, back, back
Until the fourth of July, ly, ly (American Independence Day)


Interesting Indeed.

Countdown

As the clock slowly ticks on down to a brand New Year and we say goodbye to 2007, I can't but help thinking that my life has taken such a wonderful turn this past year that I will actually miss it some. In the past I couldn't wait for the year to be over and a new one to try to make it better, but that's not really the case this time. Am I excited about 08? Sure I am, because of the good things in 07, I'm ready to see what better things lie down the road.

The last few weeks have been the most interesting and fulfilling of the year if I say so myself. My job continues to be a pleasant experience and I was even more shocked to receive my very first bonus ever! I have never worked anywhere before where the job is just as grateful of its employees as it's employees are to have a job. I was discussing this with my mother, my best friend and she was like I should buy something that I really wanted. I was indecisive at first, because there were a couple things on that list. She mentioned something about a stereo that I had wanted since earlier in the year, which not only played my collection of Cd's but also docked my Ipod. After much debate and urging from her, saying I deserved something nice for myself, especially after all the hard work I've put in over the years to get to this point. I was like, you are absolutely right and went ahead and splurged a little. And to make things even better, the site had taken down the price for the holidays.

I can't believe a few months and posts ago I just wanted to sleep my way thru the holidays. I wasn't looking forward to them at all, but after Thanksgiving I think I was recharged enough to put an effort in, and it paid off wonderfully. I am the kind of person that would rather buy the people that I care about gifts and make them happy instead of expecting something in return. This year however I was pleasantly surprised that my boo got me a digital camera, and the parental units bought me something that I considered, but never really expected on some level:

The Nintendo Wii is one of best game systems I have played in ages! It has brought back that inner child that I thought was lost forever. I haven't played games on an everyday basis like I have this past week probably since I moved to DC, but I am definitely getting a kick out of it. The fact that I can download old Nintendo game from all the previous consoles is a delightful bonus I did not expect.

Now as we hop into this New Year, I know that my birthday is around the corner, and although I don't expect much, there is something that I have my eye on to purchase for myself:

But the bigger picture is using all of 08 to prepare for my 30th birthday on 09. I mean, you only turn 30 once, at least most of us. So of course I have to find the perfect place to go and there are so many places I would love to see, so hence using the entire year to do so.

But 08 is not only going to be used on self indulgent things, but also trying to better myself further than I have done this past year. I want to get myself out of the small but tedious debt that I have accumulated over the years. I want to also use 08 as a starting point on going to grad school and getting my Masters in Non-profit management. I would also like to seriously getting back involved with my fraternal duties and get back to volunteering, especially with kids.

So look out 08, here I come!

Thoughts in my head

I am still in denial that in a few weeks it will be Christmas, and a week after that a whole new year. I mean 2008 people! I remember as a middle schooler knowing that when the year 2000 got here I would be 21 years old and could not wait. Now here I am, 8 freakin years later. So much has obviously changed in the world since we began this new century, and it is definitely a different place to live good and bad.



I passed out the Christmas cards at work for the very first time, I think a lot of my co-workers were really surprised, but I think I was more pleased with myself for the sheer fact that I have never worked anywhere where I wanted to pass out cards to my co-workers.

In the past few weeks I have been to the movies more times then I probably have in the last year. I mean I'm very particular about my movie selections and there are times when I have let other people pick what we will see and regretted it, unless of course they paid. Although they probably weren't too happy that I fell asleep, but I digress. I still want to see This Christmas and I feel bad that I have yet to support a GOOD movie with a Black cast, but the friend that I am supposed to see it with hasn't really been accessible the past few weeks, getting ready for his move and all that. I have on the other hand got a chance to see Beowulf, which was cool as it was my very first movie that I have seen in 3D, yes I know I live a sheltered life. I will say that it was interesting to watch a movie of a book I was supposed to have read in High School, but it's no Lord of the Rings, that's for sure! I also got a chance to see the movie version of the book I just finished reading days ago, The Golden Compass, and despite some of the controversy surrounding the movie, I really enjoyed it and hope that the other 2 books in the trilogy will be made in film adaptions as well. As far as the religious world being in an uproar that the movie is anti-religious and should not be shown in theatres is just another reason why I am not into conformed religion. I mean, first of all if the church cannot have the common sense to give people credit as to this being a movie intended to entertain, then they have as little faith in their followers then their followers do in them. When religious groups become all upset about movies such as this, they make it more obvious that they have things to hide and obviously don't trust people to make the decision to see such films for themselves. I mean I know when I saw the movie I just knew there were talking animals in the world, so save me now! *rolls eyes

Anywho, as I mentioned before I have a good friend that is preparing to move in the next 6 months. I mean, I still think that the situation is moving a little too fast, but at the same time, I think I have been one of a few people to support him in his new endeavor. I mean, we all have to realize that change is inevitable and that there are times when we have to make choices for ourselves that other people may not like or accept. As I mentioned to a fellow blogger this morning, it seems as if people want to be around when things are going bad, so they can feel useful or something, but when a whole lot of good starts to happen, the hating thus begins. Sure I'm going to miss all the times we got to hang out, but at the same time, change is good, and if we're truly friends then besides the distance, nothing will really change all that much. Hell I like having friends in different areas so i have a reason to visit new places.

Stunts and Shows

So I'm actually sitting here at work fighting off a cold. I can feel it trying to take hold as we speak, and since I'm not the type of person that gets them often, I KNOW if I let it take me, then I will be done. I also know where and why I got the cold in the first place, so I know it could have been prevented.

So I was able to help out and throw a friend a birthday party over the weekend, I will say that it was a huge success. Aside from the fact that there were quite a few guests on the list that the birthday boy DID NOT invite there were not any problems that arose. I guess that's what happens when you put otha people in charge of your event, because if it were up to me, some folks in particular wouldn't have gotten past the door. Fake people kill me, but I digress. The friend enjoyed his birthday and that's all that really mattered in the end.

I think the cold is from half running around trying to help out, and the other half from the weather changing. All I know is I would like nothing better to do right now is curl up in the bed and read a few chapters in one of the many books I have in my library and catch up on some sleep.

The holidays are approaching and I don't think I'm ready this year. Wake me up when it's January!

Age of Wisdom, Age of Foolishness

It was the best of times, It was the worst of times....

That opening line in Charles Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities can definitely describe the current state of affairs in my life at the moment.

But I could be just overreacting as usual though.

Let's see, the relationship that I have been in for the past 2 years has hit some sort of snag and I can't entirely see who may be at fault. Sometimes I think it could be me, and at other times it's positively him! I mean I know a relationship is work, but damn, should it be this much work. And how can 2 people come to an understanding that one doesn't control the other or anyone else? Now we've had arguments, I mean who doesn't from time to time, but I think they've been happening a little more often then in the past, and at the drop of a dime. Hell there should be a whole stack of change on the floor by now.

I think in some instances I am just becoming too emotionally spent. Like I have always been a pretty fun person and loved to laugh, even when there were times that I knew I wasn't necessarily in the mood to be bothered, I made an effort. Now I don't know if its the everyday stress of being with someone and having to endure many other emotions that another person brings to the table, but I don't know if I'm balancing it all very well. On top of that I used to be a loner about a lot of the things that I do, and this is my very first REAL relationship.

Ah.... to be young with no worries again.
.........But then on the other hand, I'm a lot wiser than I was then, so maybe not.

On some other random thoughts:

I am doing pretty good in the Italian class that I told you all about. I mean the instructor refuses to speak even an ounce of English, but the best way to learn a language is to immerse yourself in it. So I have been practicing as much as I can, and hopefully as the weeks go by I will get better at it.

Remember when I told you all about, The Green Book? Well I have been practicing a lot of the more realistic tips that it had to offer and decided that I would post some of them that can easily be followed.

For instance, I have stopped buying Cd's all together. I have always had an extensive music collection, but the big problem was storage. So I took all the Cd's that I had and put them in those big wallet books, and recycled all the plastic cases. So as I read that it would be more environmentally friendly to just download albums, rather than buying them, in the end it made sense. All of my Cd's were just going to go on my Ipod anyway, so why not just purchase them or individual songs from itunes in the first place. In the end it's cheaper, because most them are only 9.99 to begin with, which is just a penny more than Target, the cheapest place I can think of. Plus I didn't have to waste money on gas to get me out there. If it's a Cd that I can't find on there, I would rather go to the Ma and Pa stores anyway to have a look.

Another bit of advice is the whole paper/plastic bag thing. When I go out to get something to eat for lunch, usually I have gotten into the habit of just saying I do not need a bag. I mean do I really need it to carry one sandwich to my desk, just to throw it away?

Just thought I would share a couple of easy steps to follow.

Theme for English B

I figured with my last post, Some Days that a few people would know whom I was speaking of right of the bat, and some that wouldn't, but was even more surprised and flattered when someone else thought I was talking about myself. However, the person that I was referring to was none other than the Poet Laureate himself, Mr. Langston Hughes. I have been a fan of his poetry and his writings since I was a kid. He was sort of an accidental discovery, but one that inspired me to one day become a great writer, which is still a work in progress.

It had to be in middle school, but during one of those English classes where we were reading the chapters aloud, I had read ahead (mainly out of boredom, but also sheer disgust that she picked yet another classmate that read slower than molasses, "the word is THE, damnit!")and started flipping thru the book, and found that there was a poetry section towards the back. I read a few of them, and although all of them were good, there was only one that stood out in my mind called, Theme For English B. I think more so, because it was apparent that the person that wrote it, this Langston Hughes was a Black man. Wanting to know more I used my next chance to go to the Library (it was the early 90's, so no damn internet)and find out about Mr. Hughes. From the moment I started researching him, I knew this was someone that I would always want to learn about, and thru the years, epsecially now that I am an adult and a few other things have come to light, I now know that it was not only the poetry, the writings, the interesting life, but a few other things that drew me to Langston in the first place. I also fell in love with the time period that he lived in. If there was ever a time in history I could travel back to, it would be during the Harlem Renaissance.

To this day, my favorite poem by Langston Hughes is:

Harlem Sweeties

Have you dug the spill
Of Sugar Hill?
Cast your gims
On this sepia thrill:
Brown sugar lassie,
Caramel treat,
Honey-gold baby
Sweet enough to eat.
Peach-skinned girlie,
Coffee and cream,
Chocolate darling
Out of a dream.
Walnut tinted
Or cocoa brown,
Pomegranate-lipped
Pride of the town.
Rich cream-colored
To plum-tinted black,
Feminine sweetness
In Harlem’s no lack.
Glow of the quince
To blush of the rose.
Persimmon bronze
To cinnamon toes.
Blackberry cordial,
Virginia Dare wine—
All those sweet colors
Flavor Harlem of mine!
Walnut or cocoa,
Let me repeat:
Caramel, brown sugar,
A chocolate treat.
Molasses taffy,
Coffee and cream,
Licorice, clove, cinnamon
To a honey-brown dream.
Ginger, wine-gold,
Persimmon, blackberry,
All through the spectrum
Harlem girls vary—
So if you want to know beauty’s
Rainbow-sweet thrill,
Stroll down luscious,
Delicious, fine Sugar Hill.

And the Winner Is.............

Sorry folks, It has been a minute, but a brotha has been pretty busy. I'm still settling into the new job and the responsibilities are starting to really come in.

A few thoughts though:

Now that Kanye West has spanked 50 cent in the battle to outsell one another, will we be so lucky to have Fity retire? But what would it be with out some lame excuses? (people always go for the underdog? yeah right!) Just put the damn mic down already. I am one of the many that bought Graduation and I would have to say that it is a great listen. I was driving somewhere and was able to listen to most of the album all the way thru without skipping any tracks, so that's always a good thing.

I'm the kind of person that always finds the time to read all during the year, although this summer I read a couple books, not to mention ALL 6 of the Harry Potter Books, to prepare me for the 7th! So I took a little break from anything heavy and picked up something I thought would not only be a light read, but also beneficial in the end. The Green Book not only was a way to try and get myself more environmentally conscious than before, but how to do it in a realistic manner and not cold turkey. It's little things like going to the ATM and not getting a receipt that can help out in the long run, something I have definitely adopted as one of my new practices. You want to know what's in your account, check the Internet! There were also other things in the book that I was taught growing up as a kid that we practiced, not out of concern for the environment, but concern for our parents wrath. (Turn out the lights when you're not in the room, and don't waste water while you're brushing your teeth are just a couple that come to mind.) So if you're even remotely interested in the environment and want to learn some tips that are easy to follow, The Green Book is a definite read.

And lastly, I may be pretty late on this, but another group that I have found interesting in listening to, especially with the catchy tune of Clothes Off is Gym Class Heroes. If you like different kinds of music, I would check these guys out if I were you!

Employee with Goals!

I completed my first week at my new job and I will say that it went pretty smoothly. Not only am I doing something completly different, but I have already jumped into many projects and responsibilities. Of course there is some nervousness involved, but I know that once I get used to the everyday grind. It seems that there is always something going on, such as the going away party that one of the departments had for a co-worker that had been there only 2 years but made a huge contribution to the organization. As I sat there listening to my other co-workers talk and thank her for the things that she had done as well as the bright personality that shone from her amongst so many people, I couldn't help but think, "hey, I wouldn't mind if that were myself one day!" I mean, I have always been a shy sort of person, until very recently. So with the shyness, It prevented me from doing a lot of things that I know that I could of done in the past. It might have even hindered me from moving ahead or staying happy with previous jobs. I know its only been a week, but this new gig, seems like it would be something that I would be happy with for many years as I move along thru my life. The atmosphere is very inviting and the people just seem really nice, and more than half have been there for awhile themselves.

I hope that I can be the kind of employee that my co-workers will have a lot of appreciative words to say about me, if and when I move on. Then again, it's not like I will have to reinvent myself in any type of way if I look at my job as a friend that I get aong with very well. Because one thing I can say about myself is that I am the type of person that those that need me can count on and I try and go beyond the call of duty to be there when needed. But only time can tell.

Countdown!

So, I was walking around DuPont Circle the other day and I went into the bookstore to look for one of my favorite magazines, which by the way they didn't have yet. So I was kind of disappointed but at the same time expected such. So just before I walked out, I spot a familiar set of numbers out of the corner of my eye.

Not only did it have 01.20.09 as the date on it which I find significant enough, (more on that is a second) but the "Bush's Last Day" underneath it made it even more worth wild! So I definitely picked me up a few of the bumper stickers that had this on it. If you haven't guessed it by now, I'm not a particularly big fan of the Bush (lol, in more ways then one). It's not that I hate the man per se, but I just don't like hypocrites. A recent move that just outlines his whole hypocrisy is the fact that not only did he veto the bill on stem cell research for the second time, but used his reasoning's as he wanted to safeguard all life because it was precious. Ain't that some shit!! Because the last time I checked, safeguarding life was not at the top of your list of priorities as a 4 year war has raged on unnecessarily with major losses of life, not only to the troops that were sent over there casually, but at the same time the many innocent people that have been unfortunate enough to get caught in the crossfire. Safeguarding All Life?, give me a friggin break! But I digress.

One of the reasons that the date stood out to me, was it so happens that January 20th is the day of my birth! And although I have over a year and a half until that fateful day in 2009, it will mark a milestone, being that it will actually be my 30th Birthday (biting my nails in nervousness). And although I am weary yet looking forward to becoming that age, who the hell can ask for a better gift? (One of several for everyone's safety). So as I step towards that point in my life, I can also take comfort in the fact I can countdown until the Bush's reign of terror ends.