Father Dearest

So my older half sister texts me last night to say that it was the 20th anniversary of our father's death. It was kind of an eerie feeling to say the least, I mean I didn't have any memories of the man anyway, because he was never around. This fact alone was the reason why I didn't even know about this particular date. Just when I begin to feel at ease and come to terms with never knowing him, something like this brings about issues that have never been resolved and begins to sit on my aura for a minute. I know I'm a trooper and this too will pass, but I do know his birthday is coming up soon too, so just more to deal with. But what can I do? You can't change the past, so it's better to reflect on it and then move on I suppose.

That being said I decided to repost a poem that I wrote years ago to express some of the feeling I was having about Bio dad:

If the sins of the Father, are revisited on the son,
then there should be no doubt in my mind
that my life is destined to be a chaotic one.

Some may not understand,
and then there will be those that who will surely comprehend
from the extent of my astonishment from of reflection of myself,
not only on the outside but deep within

How can I continue to ignore this feeling of despair -
that comes face to face
In my reflection through the mirror.

A reflection of my life, with a piece missing from the puzzle
of someone not known, but apart of me still
this reflection brings up questions and theories
of my existence, sometimes making me ill

The fact that although I am grown-
up to be the man that I am,
but how could one visualize
a man not known

Sure, a picture here or there I may possess,
but what secrets do these photos hold?
Or should I be grateful from the stories told,
by those that he had known

But who are THEY?
The same ones who claim to know me and my identity?
They being the ones that do not have to go through
the constant avoidance and disillusion of an everyday mirror
because of the knowing and expectation that some days,
at least once, they won't be staring at themselves,
but of something or someone that is apart of you,
but at the same time is not you.

A constant reminder -
of feelings that will never be shared or expressed.
This reflection that I encounter
Is the image and lack of knowledge of an unknown father.

Never mind the true idea that I look and stare into his eyes
every time I glance into the mirror,
But how can one look like the man that indulges my fear.
Frightened by the time lost that can never be retrieved,
By someone , shall I say a stranger whom helped give
me life, my identity, the way I think and breathe.

Looking like the person I have to love because of life,
but despising him at the same time, because he wasn't apart of my life, right?
How could it possibly be, that I can remember the one person I can't see
and thru the mere fact of nature I love, but on nurture I despise?
Being honest with my inner-self we have the same nose, lips, and
even back to the eyes -
Those eyes that look as if they hold a general history or detailed story.
Did they hide the same anguish or a little bit of lost glory?

Now what seems to bother me about this sin:
Is that the mirror is a reflection of the physical appearance we share,
but what of other similar traits that we possess from within?
Could the way I talk or listen be shared?
How about the way I laugh, when something is amusing
Maybe even the same body language when mad, upset, or when something is confusing

The bigger questions have nothing to do with actions or words
but that of future outcomes which to some may be absurd
But what genetic codes and flaws might he have had, plagues that I may pass
to my future sons born into this world whom I will not let be subjected
to the same turmoil that has claimed my consciousness

Although I may make some mistakes along the way
when he looks at his reflection, he won't be confused at what he's seeing
cuz what he sees will be me having his back everyday throughout his life

The mirror won't be a haunting reflection that I've had to carry with the ghost of my past
Maybe there will come a day that all I would ever see is the reflective image
of my own being, the man I've become through the looking glass!


the 30th!

So it has finally arrived.... My 30th Birthday!

The day that I have been looking forward to, but also the day that I have been dreading, all at the same time.

No time in my life has my birthday arrived so fast when I did not really want it to. Isn't life funny that way. I just wanted to hold on to the last bits of being 20 for as long as I possibly could. A few months ago when I was realizing that the day was drawing nearer, I think I went into some sort of panic mode because I just didn't see myself lacking in the areas of my life that I thought I would have by now. I mean when you are 20, you have a certain perspective of how you would like your life to turn out and think by the time the next decade rolls around you would have made strides to have everything that you ever wanted. Unfortunately this is not the reality for most of us and I think I had to finally realize that. The wake up call was when I looked at the people nearest and dearest to me around my age that were going thru the exact same struggles and it seemed no one was where they WANTED or THOUGHT they would be by now, so it kind of makes it OK. It's not like any of us are doing bad either, many of us have accomplished a lot. My mother even had to make me step back and look back at all I have achieved and should be proud of. Going to an institution of higher learning, graduating, moving across country and making a home for myself and having a decent job, especially in these tough times. What she said made sense and I finally took a breath and realized, hey, maybe I have made something of my life, and instead of looking at 30 as the end of an era, I should look at it as JUST THE BEGINNING!

I've already started making plans to make 30 and beyond great. From getting back in the education system and tutoring adolescents, and making some time for extra curricular activities, such as becoming multi lingual with another Italian class starting next week. Things will start to pick up from here, and maybe even a possible career change sometime in the near future, so we will see.

And last but not least, I cannot help but feel proud that my 30th Birthday will fall on one of the most historical days that this country has seen in decades: The Inauguration of Barack Obama! I was just talking to my personal trainer yesterday about how significant this is not only because he will be the first Black president, but because in the last few decades we tend to have had a lot of memorable moments, but a lot of it stems from tragedies.

But later today, History will be made and everyone around the country, and even the world will be looking with open hearts and as a collective unit. Who could ask for such a perfect Birthday present than that!?!

p.s. I knew there would be celebrities out the ass this weekend because of the festivities, but I never thought I would run into, get an autograph and a pic with Common, one of the best rappers out here.



Yeah I'm pretty lame, I watch soap operas occasionally, I have ever since I was a kid. As The World Turns used to be one that I did not particulary care for. That is until 3 years ago when I found out they were going to do a gay storyline not involving some new random character, but the son of a prominent family. It's been a great time watching Luke make steps of coming out and being accepted. Then Luke met Noah, and then for the first time in Soap Opera history, there was a really hot gay couple. Well fast forward to this past Monday, the ups and downs, breakups and makeups, and NUKE finally, FINALLY had sex. It was about damn time, I mean I'm all for waiting, but DAMN, it was time for it to happen! So many close calls, kissing, hugging, flirting, talking with no climax until this week. What a long sweaty ride it has been.

This is how it finally happened:

AND check out some of these clips from their relationship:



Something New

And In with the Damn New is right!!!

I don't know if I may be the only one feeling like this, but I am so glad that 08 is almost over and a New Year will begin very soon. There were times where the year became very trying and I just wanted to scream bloody murder. Don't get me wrong, with the things going on with the world and the economy, we are all praying that 09 will bring about good changes.

One of the reasons I had stopped bloggin as much as I used to was I think I was emotionally drained from dealing with a lot of extended family issues. This all started in May when my grandmother had gotten really sick and apparently suffered what we would find out much later, a mild stroke.

Being that I was pretty much the next of kin living out here, since my mother, her daughter, lives in Kansas, I took it upon myself to take care of things out here. Everything seemed to be getting done and going accordingly until my grandmothers' sisters started getting a little too involved. I understood that they were trying to help at first, but then it got to the point where they were disrespecting me in all sorts of ways, and there type of helping was to cause the most drama as possible. Mind you these sisters only live in Annapolis and although they were putting up that face of caring sisters I had already knew better than that because you all sure were never around when she was healthy. Not one of them ever lifted a finger to come by and see how she was doing when she was living in her house with no problems. Now the way they treat one another goes back decades but, I already had the inside scoop on a lot of their mess, so I already should have guessed they were going to be a handful. There was a point in time during the summer where I had to literally be escorted out of the hospital because I was cussing them out for the way they was acting. Harassing my mother was not a way to get on my good side either. There was just a lot going on, and from May to November my grandmother was in and out the hospital a dozen times. But thankfully she has now been home for over a month now and she got to celebrate her 70th birthday, so hopefully she'll get to celebrate many more.

Now don't get me wrong, besides the personal family drama, 2008 was a significant year in many ways. I mean we elected our first Black President, and as the days draw even closer, I cannot wait for the actual swearing in ceremony of Mr. Barack Obama and for the world to forever begin to change. I was with him from the moment he announced he was going to run and stuck by his side throughout the whole grueling campaign to see this man get elected and as young as I still am, thought I would never really see. But we are here folks, so those other people better get used to it!

I also know that 08 was the year that our economy fell out from beneath our feet, and although I'm not sure we have hit rock bottom yet, hopefully we have and we can begin to recover and move back up beyond this and maybe 09 can be the transition year to better things.

So out with the OLD, and in with the NEW, let us all just cross our fingers and have faith that 09 will bring about a fresh start.



Something Old

With Christmas a week away I decided to just repost something I wrote last year for the time being:

With the holidays upon us, I have gotten myself so much into the mood that I have downloaded a few Christmas songs and made a few Cd's to listen to. So I decided to post a couple with little known facts over the next few days.

One of my favorite holiday songs happens to be the 12 Days of Christmas. I've heard many variations of the song over the years, but I will say the one with the Muppets singing is my all time favorite. Then a few years ago, I began to wonder what exactly inspired the 12 days of Christmas since most of the songs are generally a way to explain or sum up a story, such as the Little Drummer Boy or Silent Night. I always assumed that it was a celebration of the 12 days that led up to the 25th of December, but in all actuality the first day starts on Christmas and hence the Twelfth Night is January 5th, the last day of the Christmas Season before Epiphany (January 6th).

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a religious person at all, I have always considered myself more spiritual instead. I have grown up respecting people's different religious views and garnering different perspectives from them. Therefore, when I found that the 12 Days of Christmas were more than a silly holiday song, I accepted it and moved on, all the while thinking it was kind of interesting to learn that it was possibly a song of Christian instruction dating to the 16th century religious wars in England, with hidden references to the basic teachings of the Faith.

From what I have found, the 12 Days of Christmas and the gifts that were given from the suitor's true love represented many symbols:

A Partridge in a Pear Tree refers to God
2 Turtle Doves refers to the Old and New Testaments
3 French Hens refers to Faith, Hope and Charity, the Theological Virtues
4 Calling Birds refers to the Four Gospels and/or the Four Evangelists
5 Golden Rings refers to the first Five Books of the Old Testament, the "Pentateuch", which gives the history of man's fall from grace.
6 Geese A-laying refers to the six days of creation
7 Swans A-swimming refers to the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, the seven sacraments
8 Maids A-milking refers to the eight beatitudes
9 Ladies Dancing refers to the nine Fruits of the Holy Spirit
10 Lords A-leaping refers to the ten commandments
11 Pipers Piping refers to the eleven faithful apostles
12 Drummers Drumming refers to the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostle's Creed

As I stated before, Religious or not, it makes the meaning of the song a little more interesting. Don't you think?


Change Has Come!

As i wrote about yesterday, the anxiety of this election had reached us all, and although I am probably late in posting something, We as a nation FINALLY made a decision that was right!!! Mr. Barack Obama aka Barry is our next president of these United States.

I was with friends that I consider my family and I have never seen so many of us celebrate something so victorious outside of sports, that it brought tears to my eyes. As a Black man that has never used race as a crutch because of the way that I was brought up. To stand on my own two feet and if I want something to go out and get it has always been my mindset. But I have known many people over the years from kids I tutored to peers my own age to relatives much older whom were told what they CAN'T become and what they Should achieve, and now no one better not ever tell a black kid from Harlem or Chicago, or anywhere for that matter that they CANNOT become President of the United States!

I cannot wait for Inauguration Day (MY BIRTHDAY btw) and watch President Obama get sworn in. DC and the rest of the country, hell the rest of the world will be celebrating this for a long time to come.

This is history and I am glad I was apart of it and continue to be. When I have kids I cannot wait to sit around and tell them what has transpired after so much turmoil and fighting. But this is only just the beginning, because the fight is NEVER over.


World Changin, Heart Poundin

When I tell yall, I could not fall asleep last night, I think I was not the only one either. You remember when you were a kid and you had asked for something for Christmas or your Birthday, and you could not absolutely wait for that day to get there and the night before was even worse because it would drag out in what seemed like an eternity? Well that was the kind of night that I had last night. Today's election was years in the making, and all I can say is, I was overwhelmed by the lines that formed as early as 5 this morning, so everyone could get in and cast their vote. Now you already know I checked my man Barack Obama and cannot wait for this day and this election to be over. I feel like that gift that I have been wanting for so long, is for him to take the mantle as our next President of these United States and make some much needed changes. On the other hand, if that other candidate wins the election, it will be a very dissapointing feeling resonating thru my body like a kid that asked for something spectacular for one of his gifts, only to get socks! It will SUCK!!!!

But, I, like so many others are very hopeful that today will be a history making event like no other has seen. It wasn't long ago that people were out on the field dying for the rights to vote, so I was happy to see many walks of life standing right there in the line this morning, old and young, black and white, etc. The last eight years have been a very trying and difficult time for a lot of us and we are ready for some new and approved leadership to take the reins. Obama will have to clean up a lot of disastrous decisions that have taken place, I just pray that people give him that chance, and we as a people don't start tearing him down as we have built him up.

The world is changing, and I hope to be celebrating tonight rather than mourning. But either way you know I'll have something to say about it.

Peace and No matter what, please have a safe Election day and night.